It’s been a while. Or at least it’s felt like it.
How are you? How has your heart been?
Where have I been? How have I been?
Tired. Mentally, physically, and emotionally tired, and exhausted.
Mostly emotionally — though that bleeds out into my mind and body, always.
With it now being autumn, and with the leaves beginning now to change from green to red, brown, yellow, and orange, I have begun to feel myself going inward, more and more, and have felt my energy, like that of the Earth’s (at least in the northern hemisphere), slow down, and become more still. More inward-facing, rather than outward. Or, as Golden Poppy Herbal Apothecary & Clinic writes in their post about autumn: “It is during the fall that the earth prepares for a period of deep rest. The natural world slows down immensely, the energy often having a downward momentum, toward our roots and returning to the earth.
The energetics of the equinoxes are beautifully described by Simone Matthews, teacher and founder of the Universal Life Tools Wisdom School, as being synonymous with the breath. The spring equinox can be thought of as a sort of re-birth, in which nature again arises from the deep rest of winter, and energy has more of an external momentum. Therefore spring is synonymous with deep exhalation, whereas autumn is a time of drawing energy inward, moving in synchronicity with stillness, root medicine, and introspection – or deep inhalation.”
I have definitely felt the need — and the call — to pull my energy back from the outside world, and be within me.
So, when did this need and call begin?
Earlier this month, after the surprise attack by Hamas on Israel on October 7. Following this, there was a surge on social media of not only coverage detailing what had and was happening in Israel/Palestine, but also of people sharing about the events that led up to it, from a historical and personal point of view. Multitudes of people from both “sides” shared their feelings and thoughts on what happened and has been happening, and many shared videos of the atrocities that occurred. I felt into the fear, the pain, the rage, the agony, the grief, the helplessness, and the powerlessness of people on both “sides” after reading countless posts and watching videos of what was happening in Israel/Palestine — and I burned myself out. I fell into a period of deep depression (it was more than depression, but it’s hard to put into words) — and I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I’ve written a lot, on here and on IG, about boundaries — mainly energetic ones — and the importance of setting and maintaining them, both with others and with yourself.
These past few weeks have been an opportunity for me to truly hone my boundary-setting-and-maintaining skills.
And not just in terms of physical boundaries — which in the above case would be me reading/taking in less posts, photos, and videos of the war between Israel and Hamas + things on colonialism, the history of Palestine, the hatred towards Jews and Palestinians, the death toll, etc. — but mental and emotional boundaries as well. Initially, I felt nervous about posting certain things. ‘What might people think of me if I say/write this?’ ‘Oh my god, ____ saw my [IG] story; what does he/she think of me now?’ ‘If I don’t say something about *insert any topic supporting or opposing either “side,”* people will think I’m a terrible or cold-hearted person.’ ‘Will *insert my friend’s name* like me after reading my thoughts on this?’
So many questions. So much anxiety. So much fear and wanting to please everyone.
Now, I’m in a better place. I still feel heaviness around what’s happening — not just in Israel/Palestine, but just seeing and reading people’s interactions with each other on social media around it, and thinking about humanity — but I’ve been keeping my boundaries up around how much information I’m consuming, and also supporting myself outside of social media. The other day, for example, I watched a reel on IG of a song from the movie The Princess Diaries, and immediately I felt something light up within me — a sudden excitement that I knew was my inner child. She wanted me to watch that movie (one that I loved so much when I was younger).
In addition to my fortifying my energetic and emotional boundaries, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, a lot of inner work, and have had some really deep realizations within these past 3 weeks. It’s a lot to write about, and I don’t want to make this letter too long, but one of the things I realized — and did some shadow work + shadow integration on — was the exact nature of my wound around feeling unvalued. I’ve known for a while now that I felt unworthy all my life, but I didn’t realize until now that that wound [feeling unvalued] was its own thing entirely (though still connected to my feeling unworthy). I’ll be writing a post about it this coming week.
My time away (with some spurts of being on IG) ultimately ended with me now feeling, while still tired (at times exhausted), extremely grateful for so many things in my life, and also so excited to see myself grow — both as a person and towards my goals — and feeling so thankful to myself, so proud of myself, and feeling so much love for myself — for all my past selves, and for me now.
I hope you are doing well, and I hope your heart feels full. If it doesn’t, I hope you are able to nourish and nurture it, in whatever ways you are able to right now.
Sending you so much love, and also a hug. From my heart to yours.
Christina
Howl’s Moving Castle. I’ve watched this several times now. I just love Ghibli films. This movie makes my heart happy.
Durian coffee. I love coffee, and I like durian, so when I saw this I had to try it; it sounded really interesting. And it’s quite good!
‘Sleepytime’ - Bluey. Who knew that I would fall in love with an episode of a show that my 5-year-old niece and almost 2-year-old nephew enjoy so much.
The soundtrack from the above episode. It is based on composer Gustav Holst’s orchestral suite The Planets.
The Princess Diaries. I loved this movie when I first saw it (I was 9 years old! wow how time flies). And I still do. I’ve watched it many times now, and I just watched it again on Friday!
I can relate to so much of what you’ve said.
It sounds like you did exactly what you needed to do for YOU. 🥰🥰
I’ll be checking with my granddaughter to see if she watches or likes Bluey!! 💙💙