ever the seasons change

Sunday Letter #64

What I have been listening to on repeat for the past few days, and what I am listening to while I write this:

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Hi friends,

Holy shit. My birthday is less than two weeks from now. I’ll be 33.

You know, when I was a kid, I was obsessed with Neopets. For those who aren’t familiar with it, it’s an online virtual game where you create your own pet(s) — which you have to feed, play with, and take care of when they get sick or injured — earn (not real) money, play games, join guilds (clubs with any number of [real] people in them), and chat with people from around the world. It was really fun, for nine and ten-year-old me. One of things I loved most about it was being able to connect with + talk to people. There was one girl in particular, whose name I can’t now remember, who I really looked up to. I thought she was so cool, and so wise, and just … the coolest girl. We lived in different states, so we never met in person. She was fifteen, I was ten. (And yes, it was really her, not a fifty-something-year-old man lol.)

My Neopets username. Sadly, I can’t get into my account now because I used a fake birthday when I first made it (to be able to get into chatrooms), and now I can’t remember what date I used.

Why do I bring her up? Because, for me then, she was like a star. She was like the most cool popular girl, and I was … the complete opposite. I put her on a pedestal. I thought she knew everything you could know about life — yes, at fifteen. Looking back now, of course, I realize she most definitely did not know everything there is to know about life; more likely than not, she was just trying to get by, as we all are.

Trying to figure things out as best we can, with what we have — both internally and externally.

As I got a bit older, into my teenage years, I pictured what it would be like to be in my 20s, to be in college: I would be confident, self-assured, sitting outside a red-brick coffee shop reading or studying — a big cup of coffee near at hand, of course — and I’d have things figured out by then. I’d have myself figured out by then. People in their 20s have everything figured out, I thought to myself. They are so. cool.

In Morocco, trying to figure myself out.

In Germany, trying to figure myself out.

Watching my last sunset in Italy, where I was also trying to figure myself out.

But none of us really have everything figured out.

(I’m reminded of this, both directly and indirectly, again and again.)

And even if we do “figure things out” at certain points in our life, Life inevitably sends a wave (or a series of waves) our way that we then have to navigate through — and oftentimes we need to figure out new ways of going about it. So there is always something new to be discovered.

There will always be something to grow through, and to learn from. We are all trying to figure this Life thing, and ourselves, out. (Thank you for the reminder,

Des Norwood

.)

Life — my soul, Spirit, God — has been teaching me a lot of things in this season of my life — most especially to surrender. To not need/feel the need to have every little thing figured out, to not need to control things. Yes, having goals is great, and can be essential, especially if they’re leading up to a bigger goal, but it’s safe to let go and not need to “grip the reins” every second of every day.

It’s okay for me — and for you — to not have everything figured out.

It is safe to not have everything figured out.

It is safe.

I am safe.

(Taking a deep breath in here.)

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You know, I think my need to control, to have everything figured out, is tied to my perfectionism. My need to be perfect. And, my fear of not being able to be “perfect,” of messing up, of failing. And of what would happen after and from that.

It’s like all of Me is a forest (aren’t we all?) and I’m standing before all the trees that are my behaviors, and I can see beneath the earth and see all their roots — where they lead, where they go, how they connect and intersect with and seem to be tangled up with roots of other trees. I’m standing barefoot on the grass, the soft yet solid ground beneath my feet, beholding this forest before me.

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I was originally going to write about something else in this letter, but when I sat down to type, this is what came out. Perhaps I’ll save what I was going to write first for another letter.

I hope that you’re all doing, feeling, and Being well, and I’ll leave you with this quote that mirrors what I’ve been feeling lately, and what I’ve been trying to live by: “Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.” (I’ve seen this quote attributed to Bruce Lee, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, and Leonardo da Vinci.)

A house I loved passing by on my walks through the hills near Assisi, Italy.

All my love,

Christina

Cassia Tierney Clarke’s podcast episode (Season 3 - Ep 9) ‘Overcoming plateaus and finding your spark after stagnation.’

coulou’s newest meditation (above).

Um, The Devil Wears Prada free on YouTube?? Yes please. (I hadn’t seen this movie in years; it’s my favorite Anne Hathaway movie after The Princess Diaries. [Those are my only two favorite Anne Hathaway movies.])

This Beautiful Fantastic. Such a wonderful, wonderful movie.

Jumanji (1995) - another movie I hadn’t seen in years (I think over a decade).

The Addams Family and Addams Family Values. Yes, I watched a few movies this week, haha.

These stickers I saw, that happened to be on the pole I randomly parked in front of, out of the many, many other parking spaces I could have randomly chosen:

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Thank you so much for being here! Your presence means so much to me. Truly.

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Thank you again. 🤍