flow
Sunday Letter #69
What I’m listening to as I write this:
Hello everyone, and happy Sunday.
On Friday, I did yoga for the first time in quite a while. It felt … like a flow. Like a dance, with my own energy. What surprised me was how my body took the lead. Usually, when I do yoga, I have a sequence of asanas (poses) that I go through, depending on what I think would make my body feel good, that I will hold for ten breaths before moving into the next asana. In other words, my yoga practice was more “static” than it was flowy. And while there is nothing wrong with holding a pose for a set amount of time — I still like and plan on doing it — I wasn’t inviting room for flow, for simply moving as my body desired in the moment, for allowing my mind to be still and silent as my body led the way.
This changed on Friday.
I was in downward dog/Adho Mukha Svanasana, holding it for a short time, when my body suddenly started swaying and rolling like a wave, from my feet to my arms (similar to Francesca Golfetto’s beautiful flow here). My body moved before my mind had time to register what was happening. It was surprising, and caught me off guard. But instead of stopping it, I let go, and surrendered into it. It was beautiful, and felt so freeing.
Lately, Life has been gently, encouragingly, yet firmly and undeniably teaching me to flow. To let go. Sure, Life has tried teaching me that in the past, but I never quite allowed myself to open up to and learn that. Not completely. Fear overtook me. But now, I’m starting to feel safe to let go, to trust and have faith, even in the unknown.
It isn’t easy, though.
In an earlier post, I mentioned how I had started a job and then left it a couple of months ago. In the time since, I’ve applied to a number of other jobs — most of which I didn’t get or hear back from. There were two jobs in particular that I really wanted (one of which I really wanted), and I had felt really, really strongly that I would get one of them, given the experience I have in a certain field. But — I didn’t get either job. I was devastated. I found out about this last week via email, a few hours after I got to my brother’s and sister-in-law’s house. I spent the time after I read the message worrying about what I was going to do now, feeling betrayed by myself and God for having felt so strongly that I would get one of those jobs (after much prayer), feeling worried about my finances, feeling grateful to the companies for having let me know that I didn’t get the jobs, feeling slightly unanchored, and feeling like I needed to reel in all these emotions because I wanted to be present with my nieces, nephews, and brother and sister-in-law. It was a lot. But, I tried my best during the day to put all those “negative” emotions to the side, and then at night, after my nieces and nephews went upstairs to get ready for bed, I felt them all again.
The next morning, I started looking for more jobs, and lo and behold, I saw that a company that I had wanted to work with before, but that never seemed to have any open positions, was hiring. I applied, and then left it at that.
If it’s aligned, I had told myself, I’ll get the job. If it isn’t, I won’t.
I really tried my best not to keep thinking about it. I really did. Or, at least, if I did think about it, I tried to detach from any outcomes. In the recent past, I (mentally) held on with an iron grip to what outcome I did want from jobs that I applied to, with no wiggle room allowed. Lots of prayer and talks with God, the Universe, and my soul about how much I wanted the jobs, lots of tarot readings to see what would happen, and absolutely no other alternatives in my mind.
With this latest job however, I decided to go about things differently. No iron grip, not as many tarot readings (like, much, much less [I did just a few] compared to before), and no attachments to any outcomes. Just … flow. Just, having faith that if it’s aligned to me, I’ll get the job, and if it isn’t aligned, I won’t. And, learning to trust that, even if the job doesn’t work out, I will figure things out from there.
Learning to let go, have faith, and trust that I can take care of myself.
If it’s aligned, I’ll get the job. If it isn’t, I won’t.
(This was a much more difficult process than it sounds.)
More music I’m listening to as I write this:
It has been a little over a week since I applied, and I actually had an interview with the company a few days ago, and I was offered the job!
To say I’m thankful and happy is an understatement.
So, here I am, writing this at my desk, looking outside my window at the setting sun, the crows flying by, and the leaves in a nearby tree gently blowing in the wind.
Speaking of leaves blowing in the wind — it is, sort of, almost fall. Still over a month to go, but I am excited. Fall is my favorite season. And although this summer wasn’t as hot as last summer, I still can’t wait for fall weather (sweater weatherrrrr).
So, as summer continues on, I will learn to flow even more deeply, surrender even more willingly, and trust. I’ve been drawn lately to salsa dancing and tango, the former of which I had planned years ago to take lessons for but never did. Right now, I’m practicing belly dance, but perhaps in the future I’ll start salsa lessons (and maybe even tango). I have no doubt that my being drawn to these two dances is my body’s way of telling me she wants to flow.
This letter is a little late in the day, but I hope you had a wonderful and restful week, and I wish you a week up ahead that fulfills and delights you.
Take good care of yourself.
Love,
Christina
Jonna Jinton’s newest video:
These Apple Cheese Parisian Twists.
‘Allowing the quiet,’ a beautiful piece from
.An idea for a project that I’ve had for the past two weeks. I have no idea how it’ll go, how it’ll end up being, how it’ll end up looking, how polished or “good enough” or interesting it’ll be — but I want to, and will, start it. I’ll announce it when I’ve made the first part.
This beautiful, breathtaking dance.
Thank you so much for being here! Your presence means so much to me.
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Congratulations on the new job!
Love this... congratulations on getting the job. I think I need to take a leaf out of your book and go with the Flow :¬)
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4772188/