How will it all end?
And how will it begin? | Sunday Letter #37
Of course, I’ve been listening to coulou’s newest meditation (below) on repeat.
When I was in middle school and high school, one of my absolute favorite shows was CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. I was first introduced to it by my then-science teacher, who regularly played it for the class (probably not the most appropriate thing to show 13 and 14 year olds, lol).
Not too long after, I was hooked. I watched every new episode as it aired, and soon had dreams (as in hopes, not sleep dreams) of becoming a CSI. I researched the job extensively, read crime books and watched true crime documentaries… I was set on this becoming my career. My brother, who’s in the Navy, even offered to bring me to the morgue on base after I turned 18, to get a feel for what I’d be doing (though he may have been joking).
Ultimately though, I decided against becoming a CSI. But — the process of finding clues, figuring out how something happened, putting together all the pieces… all of that still fascinates me. I had completely forgotten about this though, because it’d been so long since I immersed myself in mystery, suspense, and solving puzzles.
Until a couple of days ago, when I saw the show Elementary as I was looking for something to watch. And now I’m halfway through Season 2.
It’s safe to say that teenage me is thrilled that I’m watching this.
As I was watching it, something happened that I did not see coming: a life lesson. (I can’t say I was completely surprised though.)
For a while now, I’ve been struggling with something, something that I’ve been going through since I was a teenager, but much more over these past few years: the need to be in control. I need to know how things will end up, how things are going, how to get from Point A to Point B, what steps to take, what may or may not happen if I make a certain choice, and more. I prefer to do things on my own, like working on a project or making food (unless someone is making a dish/meal for me) or completing tasks, because I know I can do it really, really well, and I need to be in control of all elements.
But, this ‘need’ is not healthy for me. And watching Elementary has reminded me of something: rather than obsess about the outcome of something — how a certain decision will affect me, what will happen if I choose x over z, if something I do will end well or end badly, what are the exact steps I need to take to get to the final result, etc. — I should focus my energy on the journey I’m on. On the clues, on the individual steps. And from there, a more complete picture is revealed.
In this show and in CSI, the thrill and excitement, at least for me, is in the journey. Yes, finding out who committed the crime(s) is fascinating, but the process to that final reveal is what really excites me.
It’s this line of thinking that I need to apply to my life.
“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and … try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
— Rainer Maria Rilke
Coulou’s above Cafe Trumpet Meditation #21.
Let’s Talk to Them, an organization I support whose mission it is to, in their words, “prevent mass shootings by proactively reaching individuals contemplating violence with information that will deter them and redirect them onto a path of hope. To speak directly to the subculture of potential mass shooters with options, resources, and a better way forward. We don’t just want to change the conversation about potential mass shooters – we want to change the conversations potential mass shooters are having.”
How to Find Your True Purpose & Create Your Best Life — Andrew Huberman’s conversation with Jungian psychoanalyst, educator, and author Dr. James Hollis. So, so many gems and profound wisdom in this podcast episode. As someone who utilizes Jungian psychology in my own life, I really loved this conversation.
Aslan Pahari. IG suggested his reels to me this week, and though his content — history/historical facts — isn’t what I’m mainly passionate about, I find the information that he gives, his delivery of it — in a fair/calm/balanced way — and how knowledgeable he is to be both really, really interesting and compelling. Even though what he shares isn’t what I usually follow, I followed him/his account.