(re)starting something & digging deeper
Sunday Letter #55
What I’m listening to as I write this:
Hi everyone,
Can you believe it’s almost March?
I feel like I’ll be saying this every year (Can you believe it’s already *insert month*??), but time really is — really does — go by so fast. Or, maybe it’s just my perception of time; maybe if I fill all my days with things that light me up, things that fulfill and energize me, time will go by slower? I think it’s the opposite.
Anyway. I’ve started belly dancing again! I first started it in … 2021? But I took classes off and on since then, and just started picking it back up — to be a consistent practice, this time — last week. It’s been a learning process, for sure.
It has brought me face-to-face with how I tend to internally talk to myself. I’ve known for a while that I’m really hard on myself, and I’ve been working through that — and still, there are times when my inner critic will come out, guns blazing. I’ll look at myself in the mirror as I’m dancing, and think that I don’t have the “ideal” body to be a belly dancer: my thighs are too big, I’ll think, my butt is too small, my legs are too short, my stomach is too big, my waist isn’t defined/I don’t have an hourglass, or “sexy," figure. Or, if I make a mistake in the dance steps, I’ll deride myself for having done so.
It’s exhausting.
I’m learning to be more gentle with myself, learning where this inner critic comes from, learning to be more compassionate with myself, and learning to have fun — even when making mistakes. Learning that, ultimately, I’m still worthy of being loved, even when I’m not “perfect.” Because that’s really what it comes down to. (Growing up, I felt the need to be “perfect,” or at least to do things in a way that would make my parents, and just others around me, pleased with me, in order that I would receive love from them.) So as I dance, I am and will be rewriting my beliefs about myself, creating new neural pathways in my brain, getting a physical workout, increasing my mind-body connection, and just having fun.
And, connecting to the ~sensual~ me, who I don’t often connect to. I used to, for short periods of time, but it was only in response to my dating or being involved with a guy. Then, when he’d leave (because this is how my romantic connections always ended), I’d lose my connection to that part of myself, no longer believing I was “desirable” or sensual or sexy. So I want to change that. I want to know that I am those things, not because I receive the validation that I am from men, but because I feel it within me. I don’t want to be a confident flower in full bloom when I am getting that attention from men, and then a wilted one when I no longer do. (But to be honest, even when I do get that attention from men, I still doubt whether I am “desirable” or “beautiful” or “worthy.” This has been something I’ve dealt with for over 20 years, so it’s a deep wound.)
Belly dancing — connecting to my body and to myself in this way — will be a dear and cherished new journey. (It’s actually one of the new “projects” I am working on this year!)
More music that I’m listening to as I write this:
Something that I’ve been thinking about this week is being a beginner at something and, in the process, comparing yourself to others who you perceive to be “farther ahead” than you.
This happened while I was belly dancing, but also before that. I’ve been feeling pretty heavy, mentally and emotionally, for most of this week, and found myself going down the all too familiar mental path of comparing myself to others. How are they so far [in their journey]? How are they there? This feels impossible… I’m here, so far back. I felt like I was at the bottom of a mountain, staring up, while they (various people I know from social media) were already at the top. For me, the “mountain” represented a lot of things: where I want to be career-wise, physical body-wise, mental health-wise, and belly dance-wise.
I know, I know — people mostly show us their "highlight reels,” not the “dark” or “heavy” things that may be happening in their (internal and external) lives. I really do know this. I’ve told people this who were in my exact position. But sometimes, some days, the doubts and the hopelessness creep in, and envelop you.
So I’m trying to keep my head above (metaphorical) water.
It’s a process.
I hope you are all having a beautiful week, and that you are giving yourself the grace, care, and love that you so deeply deserve.
Sending you warmth and love,
Christina
I (Magnus Midtbø) tried the Military test no one is meant to pass.
The Measure of Our Lives: A Gathering of Wisdom. I just ordered this book, a collection of quotes by Toni Morrison, a few days ago. I am so excited to read it.
Girl With The Dogs & Girl With The Dogs 2. Although I’d never watched or searched for dog (or any other animal) grooming videos before, YouTube suddenly recommended Vanessa’s videos to me. They’re really fun and cute, and pretty interesting, as she gives you animal facts, to watch. Also, I just realized: maybe these videos are an unconscious comfort for me, or maybe they were “sent” to me to comfort me, because when I was around 5-6 years old, my mom and I would walk by a pet salon on our way to the morning market, and would stand outside and watch the dog’s being groomed almost every day. It’s a very, very fond memory of mine.
Sadie Marquardt. I first saw her belly dance videos a few years ago, and she has been my biggest belly dance inspiration since.
Thank you so much for being here! Your presence means so much to me. Truly.
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Thank you again. 🤍
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