“I’m really sorry,” she said to me again. I was at work, and she (we’ll call her R) had made an appointment to come in at 6 pm. It was now about ten minutes past 6, so I called her to make sure she was okay. Upon speaking with her, she let me know that the appointment wasn’t her for, but for someone else: A (I was told later by my co-worker that R and A had previously dated). She sounded upset, telling me that she had told A to let us know if he wasn’t going to make it to his appointment and that we charge no show fees - which would then be charged to her, not to him. It was obvious that she was feeling angry and frustrated at A. I told my co-worker about what happened, and it then became a larger conversation around the term “valid,” people’s emotions, and self-responsibility.
“That’s valid.” You may have read, heard, or said this phrase. But what does it mean? I used this phrase quite often with people a few years ago, and I meant it as “you’re not crazy/wrong for feeling the way you are/for feeling the things that you’re feeling,” and “I see you; I understand why you’re feeling the way that you are.” Generally, the person I was talking to was sharing their feelings with me - say, feeling trapped in a job they hate - and felt like no one in their life understood them, or that they “shouldn’t” be feeling what they were feeling. I’m not sure when I stopped using that phrase, but I’ve noticed that it’s being used now more and more in a different way - as if to excuse any and all behaviors that arise from a certain emotion. While I do feel that the phrase, when used to mean that a person’s feelings are understandable, is a helpful and supportive one, it makes me wonder how much of it may be “too much” in the way of validating people’s feelings without also looking at or realizing the responsibility or control/power that people have.
In the case of R and A, I didn’t speak to A so I don’t know his reasoning for not coming to the appointment or for not doing as R had asked of him, but I do know that R was feeling angry, frustrated, and disrespected (she didn’t use this exact word when she told me how she felt, but its meaning is similar). In this case, she is “valid” in how she feels, yet he is “valid” in how he may been feeling too. My co-worker and I talked about this; what if he was feeling really overwhelmed that day and couldn’t call R or us? What if he was struggling mentally and wasn’t able to reach out to anyone? These are hypotheticals, of course, and he could have had an emergency come up that prevented him from going, but his feelings that led up to his absence are “valid” too.
Where, then, is the line between feelings and self-responsibility? Yes, he was “valid” in his feelings, yet he was also asked to do something - to call us if he wasn’t going to make it to his appointment - and he didn’t do that (nor did he let R know). Had I not called R, she would have been charged the no show fee. (And, honestly, judging from the conversation I had with her, she wasn’t entirely surprised that he did that - which probably added to her frustration and anger). And who knows - maybe she is in a situation where she can’t afford it.
Is anyone to blame in this situation then? Is there a “good” and “bad” guy? Of course not. Things aren’t so black and white. Yet while we are all “valid” in our feelings because we are experiencing them, we also have not just a responsibility for our actions, but also much more control and power than we may think.
What do I mean by this?
First, I don’t believe that we shouldn’t feel our feelings; I very much believe that we should. Second, there are many instances where we may not be directly responsible for something happening - for example, getting suddenly shot by someone while we are at school or having a bomb dropped on our home during wartime. But even in these two instances, we have control and power over what actions we can take after feeling all the feelings that arise from what happened. We are responsible for what we do moving forward.
Yet I’ve been seeing - mainly on social media - people excusing poor behavior due to “valid” feelings that they had about something, or not taking accountability for something they did or didn’t do because of how they were feeling. And if someone - say, Person B - brings up to Person A the control and/or responsibility that they do have in a particular situation, Person A becomes defensive, claiming they can’t do anything due to their feelings, and blames external forces for their predicament.
Feeling my emotions deeply while taking responsibility for what I have control over are things that are vital to me. I didn’t always feel this was possible, though. As a young child up until my mid 20s, I felt helpless, powerless, and like I would forever be dependent on others. I was incredibly anxious, I had a victim mentality, I looked to others for validation and approval for what I did, said, and even thought, and I neither believed in nor trusted myself. Over these past few years, after much inner and outer work, I now believe in myself. I trust myself. I know that I am capable, and that I am not helpless or powerless. I am powerful, and I am in control. So it makes me really sad to see people not realizing the agency that they have in their life. Yes, there are many things that we can’t control, yet there are so many things that we can.
Writing this newsletter brought to mind this post (updated here) by Seerut K. Chawla, a psychotherapist I follow on Instagram. When I first read it a couple of years ago, I was offended. Of course feelings are valid, I thought. They all are. Everything someone feels is right - it’s their emotions, so it’s true to them - and we should always validate people’s feelings. I felt that her post was harsh and was from the head, not the heart. Yet I feel differently about it now. Yes, people’s feelings may be true to them, but those feelings are not always reflective of reality. They simply Are. And once we have felt them, stayed with them, and reflected on them (or just let them pass), it is important that we recognize the power that we have in that moment to move through it. If we don’t, we may stay in those feelings for a very long time and come to see ourselves as helpless or as victims. And that’s a very, very heavy place to be in.
At this point in my life, it is important to me to be balanced between my head and my heart. For most of my life, I was swayed mainly by my emotions; I felt like I was a tiny piece of driftwood in the ocean that was my feelings, constantly being thrown this way and that, powerless against them. That is why I want so badly for people to know their own power; so they don’t ever feel as helpless as I did.
My Cousin Vinny. I’d heard of this movie in the past, but never thought to watch it. Then, I saw that it was on Prime and decided to give it a shot. I’m really glad I did! It’s hilarious.
‘Letter to You’ - Antonio Sanders. “My chest was heavy, my soul wasn't ready to leave. And my heart was racing, then you made it easy to breath…”
This music. So lovely, with an “easy-breezy” feel to it. Perfect to dance and sway to, make dinner while listening to, or working to.
This song. How beautiful and soothing it is. “Slow down, and give your mind a rest. Calm down, and do your best. Become one in the eyes of love.”
This quote by Terrence McKenna: “Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold - this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it's a feather bed.”