when the growing involves pain

Sunday Letter #56

What I’m listening to as I write this:

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Hi everyone,

How are you? How has your week been?

How has your mind, your heart, and your spirit been?

I’ve been good. This week for me was … intense, internally, but I woke up one morning mid-week and felt as if a weight had been lifted off of me.

It’s a lot to explain, but I’ll try to do so.

Have you ever wanted something so badly, so so badly, and for so long, that almost everything you did was for this one thing? And you had made a path to it in your mind — came up with what you had to do to get to it, when it all had to come to fruition, and how your life would look and feel like after it did? And you had convinced yourself that that path was the only possible path to take, that any deviation from it just wouldn’t, and couldn’t, do?

That was me, for these last few years.

But before I get into it, I have to give some backstory.

Does anyone else’s hair grow like this? Sometimes I think it’s hilarious, other times I wish it lay flat.

When I was 11 years old, I wanted to end my life. From the outside looking in, my life seemed pretty perfect (isn’t this how it often goes?). But internally, I felt empty, alone, misunderstood, like I would never be “perfect”/the ideal person (physically, and just as a person in general), as if there was an unbearable weight both in and on me, and like I could barely breathe — like it took so much effort for me to even take in a full breath of air. (Looking back, I realize that I was experiencing depression.)

Even when I no longer wanted to end my life, I still felt empty, ugly, worthless, alone, like I would never be understood and would never belong, and like I would never be enough. Physically, I hated myself, and mentally, I disparaged myself. I wished I didn’t think the way that I did; my philosophical/existential thoughts, ideas, and questions weren’t shared by most around me when I was a child and teenager (I had two friends at the time who shared some of the same thoughts, or at least would have a conversation with me about my own.) As I came into my mid-20s, I began, after years of inner work, to shift the way I thought and felt about myself, and when I was 26, I chose to volunteer on the National Suicide Prevention & Crisis Lifeline (now known as the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). I wanted to give hope to those who felt the same way I had.

I worked on the crisis line for over 2.5 years (first as a volunteer for a few weeks, followed by a part and then full-time position). It was the most fulfilling work I’ve done in my life thus far.

After a while though, something shifted within me. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened, except that it occurred after I dove deeper into my childhood experiences and the emotional wounds and mental + behavioral patterns stemming from them. (This deep-dive was borne from my having my heart broken five years ago.) As I worked through my “stuff” and began to know my Self, I felt more and more like the work I was doing on the crisis line was a “bandaid.” There is a quote by 13th century poet and Sufi mystic Rumi that I thought of often during this time: “Maybe you are searching among the branches for what only appears in the roots.” I had begun to feel that I, and most of the people I spoke with who reached out to the line, were among the branches — and I wanted to do root work.

Now, it goes without saying that the crisis line is a vital support for many, many people, and it is a necessary one (as I think bandaids are necessary, too). I have no doubt that I and everyone else who worked and works on the line have helped countless people be able to even begin doing root work within themselves, as in order to do so, one needs to live.

But I found myself feeling pulled more and more to do root work. To help others understand their own roots, and from there help them do the work within themselves (although they, of course, must choose to do it; I can only lead by example, guide them, help them realize the power within them, and give them tools). I wanted to be a life coach. (I’d considered becoming a therapist, but chose not to pursue that after hearing from crisis line callers about their experiences trying to find a therapist — particularly in regards to insurance.) So I left my role on the crisis line and at the crisis center I worked at (I quit for multiple reasons, but my wanting to do root work was the biggest one), and sought to start my own business.

That is the backstory of what I realized this week.

What I realized is this: though I still want to help people connect more deeply to themselves — to understand, get to, and heal their “roots” — the specific path that I had mapped out to getting there — becoming a life coach as soon as possible — doesn’t work for me anymore. And the reason why it doesn’t is because, along the way, I had unconsciously attached my fears to it.

I’m in my early 30s, I should have a stable career by now.

I’m not in my 20s anymore — I can’t go galavanting off on (internal and external) adventures trying to figure things out; I need to settle with something now.

My brother is a doctor, my sister is a lawyer — what am I?

Mom and Dad must be disappointed in me …

I’m running out of time.

Upon realizing that these fears were, in a sense, pieces of wood that I was adding to fuel the fire within me of becoming a life coach, in addition to the wood of wanting to help people — I knew I had to stop. Because embedded in these fears was/is shame. And I don’t want shame to be a driver.

So I let go of the path that I had held on so tightly to for the last few years.

(This wasn’t very easy for me to do, or to accept. And yet, in the end, it was.)

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Midway through writing this, I started coloring my tree (see below) while listening to this (with many dance breaks, of course):

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So, what am I going to do now?

Well, for starters, continue to love and connect to the part of me that has held onto this shame for so long — for most of my life. And from there, unravel the beliefs that I took on (e.g. I need to “settle down” and have things “figured out” by the time I’m 30 to be a successful adult), continue to take care of my body, mind, and spirit (hoping to get a deep, restful, uninterrupted 8-hour sleep — hell even 4-hour sleep — for the first time since 2020), and do that which brings me peace, and joy.

It sounds simple, but I know it won’t be. It’s worth it though. Because — I don’t mean this to sound cheesy, or à la L'Oréal — I’m worth it.

I still wholeheartedly intend to pursue a career(s) in helping people do the root work within themselves. Whether that mean I become a life coach, or something(s) else entirely (or in addition to), I’m not completelyyy sure. But I feel much lighter, after having realized what I did about my fears and my shame. I feel much freer, having let that path go. I feel more grounded, where I am now. And I feel excited, and sure.

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I hope you are all having a deeply restorative, wonderful, peaceful (both internally and externally), and beautiful day. And if your day doesn’t fall under any of these descriptors, I hope you know how important, irreplaceable, worthy, and deserving of love and good things you are.

My finished tree ❤️

With love,

Christina

coulou’s newest cafe trumpet meditation (no. 40).

The Tower - Ramin Djawadi.

Gia Fu // Women in Salsa Records: Mainstream & Beyond.

Gia Fu’s channel: Mild Mambo Club. All of her sets will get you dancing for sure!

My newest book:

Yesterday’s sky. And the sky the day before that. Just — the sky.

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